puppy love.

this past saturday, the 23rd, while in kansas for casey's spring break, we had to put down my dog wally. he was about two years old, and the best dog i could ever ask for. while casey and i were out visiting my aunt louise and uncle jim, we received a phone call from craig, casey's mom. they told us that while the dogs were out playing, wally had run off to the neighbors. unfortunately, this particular neighbor has had two of his dogs attacked, one killed, by a stray boxer. when he saw this black pit bull running towards his dog (a yellow lab, like two of the dogs that casey's parents have), with no collar on, he thought it was another stray out to get his dog. he tried to shoo wally away, which apparently didn't work, and when wally apparently started chasing his cattle, he sent his high school german exchange student into the house to get his shotgun. he told the kid to shoot in the air, or behind the dog to try and scare him away, but the boy evidently misunderstood and instead shot wally in the neck and face.

when we got the phone call, they were already at the animal hospital. we arrived and saw my baby on the tailgate of a truck, on a bloody blanket, a big bandage on his neck, an iv in his leg, and crying bloody tears. sorry for giving you the gory details, but i need to get across that this was the image i was left with of my adorable dog. instead of seeing him cocking his head to the side with his big ears up, i see him, with tiny little bleeding holes all along his nose, a bloody bandage on his neck, and bloody tears. wally was going to be blind in both eyes if he managed to pull through. he was fighting hard, but to picture my crazy, playful, hilarious, adorable, loving, sweet, timid, dog blind and stumbling around the furniture instead of running around playing with other dogs? too painful to imagine. as much as i wanted to keep him with me, because less than two years is far too short a time to be with such a wonderful dog. because after being abused as a puppy, then living in a shelter until i found him, when he was still afraid of men, and yelling, and sudden movements, he deserved to live a long life where he finally got over his fears and realized there are more good people out there than bad ones. but lo and behold, it was a man that hurt him.

all i can think of is how i am his mother. i should have been there and protected him, and kept him safe and alive. everyone keeps blaming themselves. my mom for telling me to go see jim and louise, craig for letting them out and letting him get over there... the poor kid who actually shot him was missing for about 3 hours afterwards, and they found him in the woods, a wreck, barely able to speak. the only person i can put any real blame on is the neighbor, who had his 16 year old german exchange student get his shotgun and shoot it. whether he wanted to scare him or not, i don't see the gun as being necessary, or helpful, and is essentially just a ridiculously terrible judgement call.

since i wasn't there, and didn't see wally run over there, i can't say for sure obviously, but i am absurdly skeptical about the circumstances that led to this. first off, even if wally had been running over there towards the dog, was he growling? biting? trying to hurt the dog? or was the dog playing back with him? and what happened when he tried to get wally away? was he aggressive towards him? or did he lay down and cower as i suspect would have happened if a big man started yelling at him and waving at him? and at what point did wally decide he no longer wanted to play with the dog, but instead wanted to chase the cattle? and what exactly would make him decide to chase them, when he runs from the hausers horses? and at what point did the neighbor decide to send the boy in for the gun? how long was all of this going on? and did he really consider wally to be a threat the whole time? now don't get me wrong, wally can be aggressive with other dogs, but it has happened maybe two or three times, are few and far between, and are usually related to bones or food. so the odds of him being aggressive with the lab are pretty slim. so i just don't know what made it escalate to the point where the neighbor felt he needed a gun to get wally away.

then again, wondering about all these things, wishing i could have been there, wondering what would have happened if so and so had been different... none of these things will bring him back. none of these things will give me more time with my puppy. it won't give me time to watch him play, watch him grow up, get less timid, act like a dog again, finally get mac to play with him...

we are back in louisiana now, and our apartment feels very empty without him. i don't quite know how to go about getting over this. so far i've washed the sofa slipcover to get the dog hair off of it, and collected all of his things together and put them away where i don't have to look at them. i haven't decided if this is good or bad, but it's all i can do right now. i think it will be a little while before i'll be ready for a new puppy. trying to decide what kind of dog to get... i would love another pit bull, but do i want to try and overcome the predjudices against them all over again? when that was what probably got wally killed? had he been another lab, or a golden retriever, or a little dog, chances are, it wouldn't have happened, and he would be here with me, and i wouldn't be writing this. but knowing how wonderful he was, how could i not want to try and find another dog to compare to him?

but for now, i just have to figure out what to do when in the morning he isn't there waking me up to take him out. and when i don't have to take him for a walk, or feed him. when we leave, and i don't have to put the remotes away, and close the bedroom door, and make sure there aren't any shoes where he can get to them. i have to restructure my days around me, instead of around him. and maybe eventually i'll remember how convenient it is to have all my time to myself, and i don't have to be rushing back here to make sure he's ok. and when we can get new furniture and don't have to worry about it getting chewed up. but for now, and i'm sure forever, i will wish i had more time with wally. and i will always want to have a dog there waiting for me when i get home. so someday, i'll find another one, and hope he can compare to my wally dog.

i know this is long and rambling, but i need to get all of this out, explain it... and try to get it across that while he was "just a dog", he was my dog. and my best friend. and my roommate. and like a child to me. so when i grieve over losing him, and i would over losing a family member, or a friend, it really isn't much different. i was everything he had, and it's a powerful connection to have that much influence over someone or something.

so i hope that all of you with dogs, or cats, or whatever pets you may have, treat them with love every day. you never know when you won't get the chance again. give them belly rubs, and scratch that place on their neck that makes them scrunch up their face in delight and kick their leg with pleasure. and tell them you love them. they understand. i had to be there in the last moments of my dogs life, while they injected him with the medicine that would kill him, and i had to tell him i loved him, and pet him, because that was all i could do to assure him it would be ok. that the pain was going to go away. and that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do.

so once you read this long, involved, emotional, gory, and sad post, go read these. and follow them.

and before you get mad at your dog for chewing something up, imagine how you would feel if the next day something happened to them, and you didn't get a chance to tell them you weren't really mad, and that you loved them, and they could have all the furniture and shoes they wanted as long as they stayed with you longer. because that's what i wish i could say to wally right now.